Hello Daniel, thanks for this beautiful piece and all your writing in the last year which was a very timely encounter in my practice. I sense a lot of resonance here with Justin Michelson's work in his book "The Dharma of healing". I'm wondering if you are aware of him and his work?
On this - “reality itself seems to have an insatiable drive toward wholeness. The cosmos longs to bring things into higher-order wholeness and complexity.” — there seems to be a paradox to reality that it wants to keep differentiating and integrating at the same time.
First there was only the Ford car. A few decades later, now we have 100s of different models of cars. A few years ago, the category of car differentiated into an electric car Tesla. Now there are many electric cars.
There’s a constant differentiation going on everywhere in the world!
I like how this points away from technique and toward a way of being. For me, unconditionality only really works when it’s chosen, not endured. When there’s enough safety and (self) trust for that choice to deepen, relationship stops feeling transactional and starts feeling genuinely spacious.
There’s real precision in centering relationship instead of control. Staying with what’s here, including the impulse to manage what’s here, keeps the work from turning into another self-project. I also appreciated the emphasis on meeting defenses as intelligent protection rather than something to override. It’s a clean, workable orientation: contact first, then let the next layer reveal itself.
Daniel, this is beautifully articulated and deeply resonant. The very presence of this need for unconditional relationship seems to highlight something tragic…how insidious and pervasive conditional and transactional relating is. Most of us have been related to with agendas our entire lives - by parents, teachers, institutions, culture - and we’ve learned to relate to ourselves and others the same way. It’s the water we swim in.
This creates what feels like a fundamental catch-22 in the practice you describe. You note that working with an attuned other can “meaningfully accelerate the journey” - that experiencing unconditional relationship from another nervous system teaches us what we can then extend to ourselves. But if most of us haven’t had that formative experience, and conditional relating is the currency of nearly all our relationships (including therapeutic ones, which exist within professional and transactional frames), where does someone actually get that initial dose?
And there’s another layer: the search for that attuned partner can itself become another problem to solve, another self-improvement project - which is precisely the conditional, transactional mindset the practice is meant to dissolve. Same with the self-like parts trap you describe - trying to “do it right,” monitoring whether the practice is working. Both are still operating from agenda, still transactional.
So I’m genuinely trying to figure out how to navigate that space as a self accompanist…The options I can see seem to be either some form of surrender - with faith in innate healing intelligence or without like a prayer - or something more active, like following the depth of the longing itself. But I don’t know. How do you think about the moves available to someone in that position, trying to find an entry point while also recognizing that trying to find an entry point might itself be part of the trap?
Beautifully written with plenty of great advice. It clearly comes from a place of having gone deeply into the process you describe and wanting to share what has been most valuable for you. At the same time, I find myself wanting more. As helpful as these ideas are, there isn’t much here that can’t be found elsewhere, including your previous posts. I'm wondering if some part of you is hiding behind these ideas to avoid the more difficult and courageous work of sharing something more honest and vulnerable, rather than merely advising others to be honest and vulnerable. Perhaps that is my own projection (because it’s what I would surely do if I were writing a blog like this), but if it rings true, I’m happy to elaborate. Either way, I will keep reading!
I appreciate you sharing your desire. It resonates. I'm in a process of clarifying how vulnerable to be in public, what's good to share for my life and work and what should be protected...and what's right timing.
I have some pieces coming out in the next few months that might be more in alignment with what you are wanting, I'll be curious to hear how they land with you.
so so many gems here, so clearly and often also poetically stated. i have a feeling i'll be sending this one to clients as well
Me too! I reread it, copy-and-paste phrases into my journal, and coaching notebook, think of more souls to send it to, including my grown children💜
Hello Daniel, thanks for this beautiful piece and all your writing in the last year which was a very timely encounter in my practice. I sense a lot of resonance here with Justin Michelson's work in his book "The Dharma of healing". I'm wondering if you are aware of him and his work?
Thanks for the recommendation I hadn’t heard of Justin’s work but am reading his book now. ❤️
This resonates so deeply with how I work as well. Thank you for this lovely offering!
So much wonderful wisdom here! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for this 🙏🏼
Trust, then trust, then trust again.
Trust each trusting turtle, all the way down.
So beautifully and clearly said. Your devotion to this path is a gift to the world. Thank you, my love ❤️
Thank you for adding yet more handles onto my experience. My lexicon improved, and my menu of meeting each moment expands
I loved this. Thank you for articulating things so clearly and carefully.
Beautiful. Thanks for the insight, Daniel.
On this - “reality itself seems to have an insatiable drive toward wholeness. The cosmos longs to bring things into higher-order wholeness and complexity.” — there seems to be a paradox to reality that it wants to keep differentiating and integrating at the same time.
First there was only the Ford car. A few decades later, now we have 100s of different models of cars. A few years ago, the category of car differentiated into an electric car Tesla. Now there are many electric cars.
There’s a constant differentiation going on everywhere in the world!
Exactly! Constant differentiation in service of ever higher order integration/communion.
If reality does really want this then the prophecies of the second coming start to make sense (the inevitable higher order integration)…
Interesting! What are the prophecies of the second coming? Never come across that. Any pointers?
For example the coming of the Buddha Maitreya in Buddhism or the return of Jesus in Christianity.
Only when compassion is present will people allow themselves to see the truth.
A.H. Almaas
welcome back! and wow, absolutely excellent post, unconditional relationship feels so right to me
I like how this points away from technique and toward a way of being. For me, unconditionality only really works when it’s chosen, not endured. When there’s enough safety and (self) trust for that choice to deepen, relationship stops feeling transactional and starts feeling genuinely spacious.
There’s real precision in centering relationship instead of control. Staying with what’s here, including the impulse to manage what’s here, keeps the work from turning into another self-project. I also appreciated the emphasis on meeting defenses as intelligent protection rather than something to override. It’s a clean, workable orientation: contact first, then let the next layer reveal itself.
Daniel, this is beautifully articulated and deeply resonant. The very presence of this need for unconditional relationship seems to highlight something tragic…how insidious and pervasive conditional and transactional relating is. Most of us have been related to with agendas our entire lives - by parents, teachers, institutions, culture - and we’ve learned to relate to ourselves and others the same way. It’s the water we swim in.
This creates what feels like a fundamental catch-22 in the practice you describe. You note that working with an attuned other can “meaningfully accelerate the journey” - that experiencing unconditional relationship from another nervous system teaches us what we can then extend to ourselves. But if most of us haven’t had that formative experience, and conditional relating is the currency of nearly all our relationships (including therapeutic ones, which exist within professional and transactional frames), where does someone actually get that initial dose?
And there’s another layer: the search for that attuned partner can itself become another problem to solve, another self-improvement project - which is precisely the conditional, transactional mindset the practice is meant to dissolve. Same with the self-like parts trap you describe - trying to “do it right,” monitoring whether the practice is working. Both are still operating from agenda, still transactional.
So I’m genuinely trying to figure out how to navigate that space as a self accompanist…The options I can see seem to be either some form of surrender - with faith in innate healing intelligence or without like a prayer - or something more active, like following the depth of the longing itself. But I don’t know. How do you think about the moves available to someone in that position, trying to find an entry point while also recognizing that trying to find an entry point might itself be part of the trap?
Beautifully written with plenty of great advice. It clearly comes from a place of having gone deeply into the process you describe and wanting to share what has been most valuable for you. At the same time, I find myself wanting more. As helpful as these ideas are, there isn’t much here that can’t be found elsewhere, including your previous posts. I'm wondering if some part of you is hiding behind these ideas to avoid the more difficult and courageous work of sharing something more honest and vulnerable, rather than merely advising others to be honest and vulnerable. Perhaps that is my own projection (because it’s what I would surely do if I were writing a blog like this), but if it rings true, I’m happy to elaborate. Either way, I will keep reading!
I appreciate you sharing your desire. It resonates. I'm in a process of clarifying how vulnerable to be in public, what's good to share for my life and work and what should be protected...and what's right timing.
I have some pieces coming out in the next few months that might be more in alignment with what you are wanting, I'll be curious to hear how they land with you.